Alone

All of my friends own a girlfriend or a wife. I used to own a girlfriend too but she boarded a flight to America and I never heard of her again. I cried for one week.

It's ok because my psychoanalyst Raymond said crying is "emotionally healthy".

My friends, very generally speaking, seem pretty happy about being in a relationship. Although I have noticed that they are not allowed to play outside as much as they used to. This is because they have wives, girlfriends or children which require monitoring. For a while, my friends would bring their children to play too, but since the holiday incident children are banned.

There are many benefits to being single, however, and I bet just anything that if I got a new girlfriend she would try to stop me doing some of my favourites such as:

Getting inappropriate tattoos:

Playing Heathrow Roulette:

Upside-down sit-up rope:

Making new danger friends:

My colleague David wants me to get a girl from "internet dating". I am not so sure about this. First of all, computers do not convey love chemistry. Love chemistry is very important. A picture can speak a thousand words but a photo of someone is unlikely to say "smells of old biscuits and spits when she talks".  I want to know these things before owning a new girl. Second of all, I have always preferred a more direct approach.

Claire Danes is my favourite.