Scouts is Brilliant

A few weeks ago, because leisure is pleasure, my friends made me see a music band.

Seeing a music band involves drinking beer, then queueing up in the cold then drinking more beer and then finally being in a room with a thousand or more people watching an old man sing badly while you have to pretend to have fun.

I quite liked the music the old man was singing, but being in a room with lots of people made the bad thoughts come.

So I left.

My adventure to see the music band made me think about my adventures when I was young and in Lord Baden Powell's Scouting for Boys group. Despite my many written requests, I never did meet Lord Baden Powell. Instead our Scouting for Boys group was organised by a man called Paul Lloyd.

Despite all of the complaints against him, Paul Lloyd was amazing because he let us do our favourites:

Hunting Bobby Dilworth

Drowning Alex McCulloch

Drinking Paul Lloyd's out-of-date beer

Camp fires

Lots of people said our Scouting for Boys group was a joke. I asked Paul why they said this and he responded that "Every single year we win the first aid competition so they can go fuck themselves".

I agreed - they can go fuck themselves. Scouts was brilliant.

Food for Eating

Since an early age, I have had to find my own food for eating. In a big modern and diverse city such as London, there are three options available to the hungry person.

1. You can hunt with the foxes for what they find.

2. You can phone the Lebanese Man.

I like hummus, although if you eat more than seven pots of it, your wee tastes funny.

My housemate Camilla gave me the number for the Lebanese Man. Although I think it's only because she felt guilty for killing my brilliant tomato plant that I grew from a seed. My psychotherapist Raymond gave me the seed so that I could try to nurture a living being.

I thought about killing Camilla to avenge the death of my brilliant tomato plant but after some discussion with Raymond we agreed this would be an "overreaction".

Instead I stole her book about missing children and wrote her letters pretending to be the missing children.

My letters made Camilla cry and wail for three hours so I consider the tomato plant avenged.

3. (We are still doing a list). The last option for food is to go to a supermarket. However, this is the worst choice because shopping for food is terrible. Not only are there lots of people in the supermarket who are angry because they cannot find the right yogurt, but the lights in the supermarket are really bright and scary and make the bad thoughts come back.

Sometimes I think that the lights in the supermarket are meant to be very bright and scary so that people buy food they don't really want. I once left with something called a yam.

Whichever of the three options you choose to find food for eating, it is very important to eat little and often. I learned this from the time I ate the heavy bag of sugar in ten minutes.

I had to do the running and then I had to do the vomiting again.

Being sugar nude is my favourite.

Bau Bau

This week, two of my friends had a baby. My friends are Swedish which means that the baby gets to be a Viking.

Being a Viking also means that the baby will grow up to be 73 percent more attractive than the average human. I know this is true because when I am in Sweden I want to bite 73 percent more girls than when I am in London.

I have decided that when I get a baby, I will get either a Viking one so that it can take me raping and pillaging too, or a Chinese one so that I can call it Bau Bau and give it too much rice.

I don't want a normal baby because they look like horrible potatoes.

Training Bau Bau would also give me a sense of rewards. For example, I could teach Bau Bau how to speak, about the birds and the bees and, most importantly, cage fighting.  

Bau Bau's rich life would be my rewards and Bau Bau's cage fighting victories would be my cage fighting victories.

I think I'd be a good parent because I am kind to animals. (Once I kept a bug for three years). (It died after two days). I also have money from working at an office so I can pay for rice when Bau Bau is hungry and bandages when I hurt Bau Bau.

I just have to find Bau Bau's mother and bite her. (That's how you make babies).

Anna from Ukraine

A few weeks ago I was doing one of my favourites: swimming in the municipal pool.

After swimming for three hours, I met a girl. Although she was wearing a swimming cap she still looked almost pretty.

(Like baldness, a swimming cap is the true test of girl beauty.)

She said to me "Hello could you please swim on the correct side of the lane". It was one of those questions which is not really a question, so I said to her: "that was one of those questions which is not really a question". She laughed at me and started talking for absolutely ages in a funny accent. Because my concentration span is very short I just nodded a lot and thought about whether animals also have accents.

If I had to take a guess, I would say yes, animals have accents too.

The girl then asked a question which IS a question: "what is your email address?" I knew the answer to this and so I told her. She said her name is Anna from Ukraine and that she works in finance blah blah blah...

The blah blah blah bit is me thinking of animals with accents again:

They definitely have accents.

When I asked Anna from Ukraine if it was ok to swim away now she said yes. (Thank goodness).

A day later, Anna from Ukraine sent me an email and asked me to meet her. I thought, maybe this means I can own a girl. Imagine it!

So I said yes.

I met Anna from Ukraine and we walked in the park in the snow. She was wearing high heels which were good for sticking in ice. I was not wearing high heels and so fell over and hit my head on the floor.

After that, my time with Anna from Ukraine is a bit blurry. I remember being sick and also offering to fetch her a talking duck from the pond.

I went home without Anna from Ukraine and played online Chess with a man from China. (I won).

Over the next week I sent Anna from Ukraine more emails. She did not respond to the emails. I thought that perhaps I was not being "romantic" enough. So I drew and sent her a card to show her that I accept her Ukraine culture and also that romance is not dead.

Even though she has not yet responded, Anna from Ukraine is my Soviet Love Bunny.

Religion

When I was a young boy, my mother told me we were religious. The religion she chose was called Being Catholic. Being Catholic meant we believed in a character called God, his son Jesus H Christ and a holy ghost who watches people sleep. (Creepy).

Being Catholic is run by a man in Rome called the Pope. The Pope drives a weird car and has a little hat. For fun, people try to shoot the Pope.

Give him a break. It's not his fault that the dinosaurs are extinct.

I'm not really sure why my mother decided we were religious. The only reasons I can think of are either that she wanted me to go to the school without the knife fights, hookers and pimps or that you get free wine at mass. I didn't like the taste of wine when I was a young boy, but I made sure I drank a lot of it because that's what the baby Jesus wants.

When I became older I didn't have to pretend to believe in God or Jesus or the holy ghost any more. This meant that sex was not banned, I could sleep without being stared at and gay people were ok again.

I could also do pretty much what I wanted when no one was looking.

However, a while ago I met a man called Abu. He was very friendly and was also a real life pirate with a real life hook for a hand. Imagine it! Before the Americans said they wanted to take him away and talk to him, he told me all about his religion and said that I should join.

When I asked why I should join, Abu said it's because religion lets you do lots of fun things.

That's why I think religion is brilliant.

Alone

All of my friends own a girlfriend or a wife. I used to own a girlfriend too but she boarded a flight to America and I never heard of her again. I cried for one week.

It's ok because my psychoanalyst Raymond said crying is "emotionally healthy".

My friends, very generally speaking, seem pretty happy about being in a relationship. Although I have noticed that they are not allowed to play outside as much as they used to. This is because they have wives, girlfriends or children which require monitoring. For a while, my friends would bring their children to play too, but since the holiday incident children are banned.

There are many benefits to being single, however, and I bet just anything that if I got a new girlfriend she would try to stop me doing some of my favourites such as:

Getting inappropriate tattoos:

Playing Heathrow Roulette:

Upside-down sit-up rope:

Making new danger friends:

My colleague David wants me to get a girl from "internet dating". I am not so sure about this. First of all, computers do not convey love chemistry. Love chemistry is very important. A picture can speak a thousand words but a photo of someone is unlikely to say "smells of old biscuits and spits when she talks".  I want to know these things before owning a new girl. Second of all, I have always preferred a more direct approach.

Claire Danes is my favourite.

Swimming

When I am not at work or trying to sleep or crying into my own hands forcing the bad ideas to stop, I go swimming in the municipal swimming pool.

Swimming is the best thing in the world because you can pretend you're a happy dolphin....

....or predatory shark....

Swimming is also the best thing in the world because it makes you feel weightless. Even fat people can go swimming with limited risk to their shattered and crumbling fat people bones.

Although their arteries are still clogged up so they need to take it easy. (Some people I know are horrible to the fat, but I'm not. Their lives are already terrible from being fat, so why would I try to make it worse?)  

Anyway, I think the absolute best thing about swimming (if I had to be pinned down to just one thing) is being able to go to the toilet just whenever you want!